Today was su...

Today was such a flop. But whatever. I don't want to get into any of that. I'm still not finished with the painting. And I've been working really hard on it now..>.< but every night when I stop...I see a new flaw. Like now..the upper left corner is crap. One thing..I'm really happy with is his hair. I shall not touch the hair. I've been neglecting that book too. I have to read it.. And damn it..you know you try and find the easy way out..and theres not a single 'study guide' online XD. Hrmm...I should finally go to bed. I have those pictures tomorrow..With my luck I'll have my eyes closed in all of the pictures taken -__- ...I want coconut pocky. I'll buy some on my way home tomorrow. I feel like passing through Flushing anyway.P.S--I really like 'the L word'..XD

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Ergh...

Ergh I'm back after having lost my internet...and all function to my computer. But I'll get into that later. Right now I'm just glad to finally be online again. In other news while I was away..cult_of_juka seemed to have gone active. And I'm glad nekura_ash was able to make everything look amazing ^____^ And yes cult_of_juka was that community that was being worked on. SO people join!!!For my current/future tasks at hand..translating and deframing.....So for right now I'm off..

Help me in this mass of chaos..

I feel like such a waste of life. I'm not sure what to do. Theres a chance of me actually getting a job..but I'm not sure whether or not to take it if the chance does in fact happen. Reason why? My sister just had her baby on...*thinks* Thursday. And today I go and visit and all I hear is stuff about babysitting when Yadira[my sister] has to go back to work. Which I don't know..maybe I feel that it then should be my responsibilty to try and care of him after school. But then whats the point of getting a job and quitting after a month or so. I'd want to keep it and have it hopefully working with my school schedule. On top of that my aunt started talking to me about college. And of course she's freaking me out when I tell her I don't have a definite career path. I get scared at the thought of college...because its then a clear slap in the face to "grow up". And I'm not sure I want to--yet. Then of course I panic at the thought of not having 8 AP projects completed. I'm still not finished with one....Mana will/must look perfect! Of course, he's only starting to get prettier from that once blob that I had..And I haven't been able to work on any of my future cosplays ;-; I think I'm going to take a day off tomorrow and go to the fashion district or something and buy some vinyl, at least to start making the armwarmers. Those alone are a bitch to make. Oh well I'm off.

3rd Moi dix Mois single!

Moi dix Mois releasing another single!! ::dies:: Thress releases in one year...@.@ I think he's either trying to spoil me or leave me penniless. And its Pageant too ^____^

last ounces of energy...

Remember saying that my mentality was at a more suitable state. Guess what it no longer is! I'm so tired already.. and its only 4:23am. Whats wrong with me?! And Mana must look perfect!! I can not insult this godly man by giving him a cracked up face.. @.@ This must be perfect. Right to the black roses..to perfect hair. And god help me with the upcoming Shazna project..@.@...1)all the pink 2)the complex idea I have 3)how big it shall be. But nothing will beat the detail in Gackt-era Malice Mizer...I want to combine at least three big memorable costumes from then. Ergh >.< looks like cosplay will have to wait..I'm so tired..Ergh..where's Daphne? I haven't spoken to her in a long time. I miss her u_u ...oh well like another two weeks till she comes back >.< And I can't sign on AIM either. Quite honestly this has been one of the only breaks I've had. I'd read my email and check my friend's page..but I'm gonna pass out just typing this...@.@

Err..fi...

Err..fill it out. And put as a comment I guess. Its a bit odd. I don't think I'd normally do this, but because I feel 'high' lets give it go. \m/ DIS!!!1. Who are you? 2. Are we friends? 3. When and how did we meet? 4. Do you have a crush on me?5. Would you kiss me? 6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 7. Describe me in one word. 8. What was your first impression? 9. Do you still think that way about me now? 10. What reminds you of me? 11. If you could give me anything what would it be? 12. How well do you know me? 13. When's the last time you saw me? 14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 15. Are you going to put this on your diary and see what I say about you?

back..

I think that after a few nights of paranoia, insomania and basic sadness...I've recovered into a more suitable mental state. Sorry for claiming that I was leaving everyone. Luckily I chose the option of deleting everyone in my friends list, than deleting the LJ itself. Overall, I think I'm 'okay' now. Now that I think things over, I feel a bit stupid. I easily fall into a trap of words. I suppose I just have to learn how to control how things affect me. Remembering when I had first read that stupid convo, I tried not to let it affect me. Yet it clearly did from that very day. Anyway I think I'm through with that......ah...I currently have no backgound anymore--because well not sure. I can't make my Moi dix Mois layout exactly how I want it. I want it to be all 'The Prophet' themed. I think I may just make a quick Malice Mizer 'Garnet' themed layout. Not sure. And my dancing Klaha icon did not come out;-; I want a Dancing Klaha icon damn it. That and some fabric!! Along with these stupid cosplays I'm doing, I also would like to make a sketch come to life! Oh yeah and I finished reading 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoniex'. I kind of want to read this book 'Demons and Angels'. It looks interesting. I saw it on a catalogue for about $8. I may just get it. This reminds me..Viktor needs fabric paint. I have a nifty/bootleg idea. I also need a fucking job and I need to reserve my spot at the zoo....I want buttons!! .....Okay....after gathering myself once again...I've come to the conclusion I need sleep.. as well as taking 'Perish' out of the loop. Second time around hearing it, I got sad...

thoughts that cloud and clutter my mind..or simply one thing

I only write this now, because I can't sleep. I can't seem to shake this feeling away. I suppose it's my own fault. But in fact this isn't the case. I've said a few hateful, mean things about a certain person only to release/ vent out my current frustrations and thoughts. This was all mainly due to an AIM convo too. I guess I had a right to in the end, not sure. I guess this is mostly because aside from an LJ comment on a previous LJ, the convo was one of the more hurtful things that have been said about me. Like many times, I've never let anyone see how it's affected me. Or how anything affects me for that matter. I can't help it, it's a part of my nature and emotional defensives. This all to reminds me of how I completely stopped talking about Witchcraft and how occasionally give advice to a person or answer a simple question. Although my interest in it is no longer as evident, I do contiune my study. I'm not certain why it reminds of this. I guess, I'm trying to truely exlain myself and my actions over the past three years, give or take. I never wished to be considered a "goth", and still don't. My fashion got darker with time, and music got louder and heavier. This of course was when I was all up with bands that spoke english. However music and me, has never been explained. I didn't have a favorite band then, because I couldn't have. True I was all up with Opeth and Slipknot as my top faves. But unforunately there was something missing there. I wish I could explain in writing, but it doesn't seem at all possible. However with a small suggestion from a friend, and with my own combined interests, I fell in love with 'Visuel Kei'--which was a popular music era in Japan. From that I later discovered other bands in the 'j-rock' scene and it grew from there. I fell in love with the japanese rock because it truely combined alot of my interests, some with weren't so evident. I also discovered my love for rock music combined with classical music. And I stayed there. I discovered other bands, and slowly left what I had listened to before-because I found some things rather boring after a while. I really can't truley explain this and I'm not sure why I'm writing this except for my own reassurance and benefit. My anime/manga/manwha interests peaked in the recent two years. Why? I'm not sure. I liked it since I was 10. I didn't know many series then, and I didn't really know anyone esle that shared the interest. I met people in Prep however that in fact did. And along with that we shared alot of other things. And with these same people, I attended my first anime convention. Which peaked my interests in cosplay, anime, manga, j-rock, japanese culture and fashion because I learned so much those three days. I can't help what I like, no one can. This is all further increased something I had said when I was younger, 'I wish I were Japanese'. Only because I was so interested in how different everything seemed. Note I had said that when I was around 10. But I never really wanted to abandon my own culture. It was just something I said. However I never thought that I was Japanese, and honestly I still don't think I am.And morph myself into another person. I think not. I take a little from everyone I befriend. Not as I as try and be like them, but as in that little becomes a part of something I hold dear with a few people. I carry my friends with me. Its not like I'm schizo or anything. But I noticed this a few months ago. It was weird when I first realized it, but as the same time comforting that these people had such an impact on my life. However I never tried to copy anyone. I was doing my own thing. At least I believe I was. My attitude/behavior has been relatively the same. Few people can say this is true. Unforunately, I've seemed to have lost contact with these few--or at least it feels that way. I'm not sure what this was suppose to accomplish. Its mostly because that AIM convo still seems to pop into my head. Overall now that I've thought about these things again..I think everything just seems to be a misunderstanding or loss of a more open communication. Alot things I guess were never explained. I'm not sure. And this isn't a rant. Its mostly just me rambling on about stupid shit. I think this has helped me in a way. I should just forget about that stupid convo. It should be meaningless. Yet why do I remember still so many of those words. Its over two months from when that happened. Never thought it would affect me so. I have to just let it go.