thoughts that cloud and clutter my mind..or simply one thing

I only write this now, because I can't sleep. I can't seem to shake this feeling away. I suppose it's my own fault. But in fact this isn't the case. I've said a few hateful, mean things about a certain person only to release/ vent out my current frustrations and thoughts. This was all mainly due to an AIM convo too. I guess I had a right to in the end, not sure. I guess this is mostly because aside from an LJ comment on a previous LJ, the convo was one of the more hurtful things that have been said about me. Like many times, I've never let anyone see how it's affected me. Or how anything affects me for that matter. I can't help it, it's a part of my nature and emotional defensives. This all to reminds me of how I completely stopped talking about Witchcraft and how occasionally give advice to a person or answer a simple question. Although my interest in it is no longer as evident, I do contiune my study. I'm not certain why it reminds of this. I guess, I'm trying to truely exlain myself and my actions over the past three years, give or take. I never wished to be considered a "goth", and still don't. My fashion got darker with time, and music got louder and heavier. This of course was when I was all up with bands that spoke english. However music and me, has never been explained. I didn't have a favorite band then, because I couldn't have. True I was all up with Opeth and Slipknot as my top faves. But unforunately there was something missing there. I wish I could explain in writing, but it doesn't seem at all possible. However with a small suggestion from a friend, and with my own combined interests, I fell in love with 'Visuel Kei'--which was a popular music era in Japan. From that I later discovered other bands in the 'j-rock' scene and it grew from there. I fell in love with the japanese rock because it truely combined alot of my interests, some with weren't so evident. I also discovered my love for rock music combined with classical music. And I stayed there. I discovered other bands, and slowly left what I had listened to before-because I found some things rather boring after a while. I really can't truley explain this and I'm not sure why I'm writing this except for my own reassurance and benefit. My anime/manga/manwha interests peaked in the recent two years. Why? I'm not sure. I liked it since I was 10. I didn't know many series then, and I didn't really know anyone esle that shared the interest. I met people in Prep however that in fact did. And along with that we shared alot of other things. And with these same people, I attended my first anime convention. Which peaked my interests in cosplay, anime, manga, j-rock, japanese culture and fashion because I learned so much those three days. I can't help what I like, no one can. This is all further increased something I had said when I was younger, 'I wish I were Japanese'. Only because I was so interested in how different everything seemed. Note I had said that when I was around 10. But I never really wanted to abandon my own culture. It was just something I said. However I never thought that I was Japanese, and honestly I still don't think I am.And morph myself into another person. I think not. I take a little from everyone I befriend. Not as I as try and be like them, but as in that little becomes a part of something I hold dear with a few people. I carry my friends with me. Its not like I'm schizo or anything. But I noticed this a few months ago. It was weird when I first realized it, but as the same time comforting that these people had such an impact on my life. However I never tried to copy anyone. I was doing my own thing. At least I believe I was. My attitude/behavior has been relatively the same. Few people can say this is true. Unforunately, I've seemed to have lost contact with these few--or at least it feels that way. I'm not sure what this was suppose to accomplish. Its mostly because that AIM convo still seems to pop into my head. Overall now that I've thought about these things again..I think everything just seems to be a misunderstanding or loss of a more open communication. Alot things I guess were never explained. I'm not sure. And this isn't a rant. Its mostly just me rambling on about stupid shit. I think this has helped me in a way. I should just forget about that stupid convo. It should be meaningless. Yet why do I remember still so many of those words. Its over two months from when that happened. Never thought it would affect me so. I have to just let it go.